Bob at the Bar
BOB AT THE BAR
by
JOHN E. LEAHY
BOB AT THE BAR
CAST in order of appearance
Bob
George, the bartender
Young Woman
Andrea
Leonard
Woman 1
Woman 2
Reggie
Melanie, Andrea’s sister
Tom, Melanie’s husband
SCENE 1
The bar ‑ Street entrance on left‑ entrance to rear room to back. Bar diagonally faces audience. Bartender is flipping channels of a television. Bob enters. He is 25 to 35 years old and is casually dressed in a pair of jeans. He sees the TV and is outraged.
Bob George, what the hell is this?
BT Hi Bob. We’ve just had a TV installed.
B (Disgusted) Well there goes the atmosphere. That was the thing I liked about this place: no ferns and no TV.
BT (Still switching channels) Doesn’t seem to be anything good on right now.
B Of course not. That’s a television you’re playing with. If you want quality, have a conversation with me. (slight pause, bartender flips more channels. Bob grumbles.) Ten thousand actors waiting on tables and driving cabs in this city and television with its millions gives us garbage.
BT Ah here we go.
B (Contorts face) Rock videos. There’s another crock of shit. The music of protest becomes the latest scam of big business.
BT I saw one last week that was great.
B One. Just to prove that art still exists. Hiding under a pile of rubbish we find a single, solitary specimen of creativity. George, do you remember the good old days when rock stars weren’t being driven around in limousines all the time?
BT Yeah, I know what you mean. (Enter a young woman from rear)
YW (To BT) Excuse me, could I have a laser beam and a peacock, both on the rocks please?
B Hey Tender. I’d like a baseball bat, straight up.
BT No, no Bob. You can’t smash the TV. At least until we pay for it. (To Young Woman) Don’t mind him. He’s always bitching about something.
B (Moves over to stool next to Young Woman who looks at him suspiciously) I have the right to complain. It’s written into the constitution. Article 3. “If at any time any citizen of these United States should become dissatisfied with the level of mediocrity of the society around him, he herewith has the right, the privilege, nay the duty to his peers, to lodge a complaint.”
YW (Shrinking away) What do you want to complain about?
B (Leaning in on her) How about the guy who throws trash on the street when there’s a garbage can 10 feet away?
YW (Shrugging shoulders) The city’s already dirty.
B And that’s the way we want to keep it by God! (Young Woman looks at Bob nervously. BT brings drinks. Young Woman quickly pays and turns to go back to the rear exit. Bob calls out after her.) Thank you for the conversation. (to BT) Nice girl, and very bright too. I think I’ll ask her out. I could tell she liked me.
BT Yeah, that was obvious. (Pause) Do you want a beer or are you going to stand there and squawk all night?
B I’ll probably continue squawking but give me a beer anyway.
(BT brings beer. Pause. Phone rings. BT answers.)
BT Yes, he’s here. (Hands phone to Bob.)
B (Into phone) This is the ghost of Christmas past speaking. If you wish to communicate with me, please tune in to my new video on your favorite TV station. (Calmly hangs up phone and looks at BT grinning. Pause)
BT It was a lady.
B (Grin changes to look of dismay) I thought it was Reggie! (BT shakes head, looking very amused.) Who was it?
BT No idea.
B What did she sound like? Any kind of accent?
BT She sounded nice. Actually she sounded kind of sexy.
B (Groans then suddenly brightens up.) In that case it can’t be anybody I know. (Laughs. Pause. Both turn to look at phone, waiting. Very attractive girl, well dressed, rushes in and sits two stools from Bob. She appears agitated. She fumbles in purse and pulls out cigarettes. She takes one and looks for light. Bob picks up matches off the bar and holds them out for her, leaning. She finds her own and flashes angry eyes at him as she lights up. He pulls back. Pause. She smokes furiously. Bob leans forward again and gestures towards the bar.)
B May I….
Andrea (Interrupting, snapping) No. You certainly may not! (Bob shrinks back as if in terror.)
B OK.
A I don’t want to be bothered by anyone.
B That sounds like a reasonable enough request. (Andrea is self absorbed in anger and smokes. BT and Bob glance at each other and shrug.)
BT (To Andrea) Can I get you anything?
A Scotch on the rocks please.
(Enter Leonard. Stands between Bob and Andrea.)
L Hi Bob. (To BT) Hi George. Hi Evelyn. (To Andrea who ignores him. Leonard looks at Bob and shrugs.)
B She indicated that she would prefer not to have company at the moment. (Leans towards Leonard) Do you know her?
L Never saw her before. (Laughs) Let me have a beer George.
B So, how have you been?
L (Beaming) I just had dinner with Joyce.
B (Starts, excited) No kidding. How’d it go?
L I kept flattering her and telling her nonsense and she kept laughing and being witty and enslaving me with her beauty.
B Well it’s a good beginning.
L Yeah, at least she was laughing all the time.
B Are you sure you didn’t have a bugger on the end of your nose?
L Are you kidding? I checked everything before I met her. No dandruff, no bad breath, no food stuck between my front teeth, my fly zipped up all the way to the top. In short, a perfect specimen of male chivalry come to sweep away the charming lady.
B Yes. The words “perfect specimen” come instantly to mind when we see you Leonard. (Slaps Leonard on the back)
L (in reverie) After 3 weeks of sending her flowers she finally agreed to go out with me.
B She probably couldn’t stand the stench of daisies rotting in her apartment anymore.
L Bob, you know the profound depths of my sentiments would never allow me to send anything as mundane and trite as daisies. I sent her the flowers of undying love.
B For 3 weeks you sent her red roses?
L Of course not! Roses die. I sent her plastic flowers every day.
B (Laughing) You really are the perfect specimen, Leonard.
L I’m trying to write her a love poem now. Do you realize that the only word that rhymes with Joyce is voice. I could do something with that, but if her name was Jice I could rhyme it with dice, ice, lice, mice, rice, vice, the romantic possibilities are endless.
B How about “Rolls Royce”?
L Yeah. Joyce, Joyce. On a street of Fords you’re a Royce.
(Phone rings. BT answers.)
BT Uh, yes. Just a moment. (To Andrea) I believe this is for you.
A (Screams into phone) Go to hell, you jerk! (Slams down receiver. is very agitated. tense pause. phone rings again. BT merely picks it up and hands it to Andrea, who slams down receiver again. Another tense pause.)
B (Braving a joke) Perhaps if you had more conviction in your voice, it would have been more effective.
A (Stares hostily at Bob) What kind of idiotic comment is that supposed to be?
B (Retreating) Oh, just the average, everyday, run of the mill sort of idiotic comment I guess.
(Andrea returns to her drink. Bob and Leonard exchange glances of mock terror. Phone rings again. BT starts to hand it to Andrea, then decides to answer it himself. Everybody assumes it’s for Andrea.)
BT Sure, one moment. (Hands phone to surprised Bob.)
B Hello… Oh hi Aunt Martha. How did you find me here?…Yeah…About 10 minutes ago‑ Oh that was you? (Looks at BT who laughs) Uh huh, uh huh. Oh. Ok…. Bye.(Hangs up.) Sexy voice huh George! (Laughs) I should tell her. She’d be flattered. (Pause. Suddenly leans toward Andrea.) I’m sorry Miss, but it appears as though you hung up on my Aunt Martha the second time.
A (Distracted, confused) Oh, I’m sorry… I thought it was my husband again. (She takes out a cigarette)
B Do I dare offer you a light now?
A (First still angry, then softens and waits as Bob offers a match, then suddenly before he can light her cigarette.) It’s funny. This was how I met my husband. He lit my cigarette. (Bob quickly puts out match and retreats.)
B Sorry. You’ll have to light your own then.
(Andrea laughs slightly and lights own cigarette. She takes a puff then suddenly puts it out, gets up and leaves.)
L Beautiful girl. She hung up on your aunt?
B Hell no!
L Ah, ….very clever. (Both laugh)
B I wanted to make her smile.
L The smile of a lovely lady. It makes all of life’s suffering endurable.
B Well it won’t make work endurable tomorrow if I don’t go home and get some sleep.
(Starts to get up but Leonard puts his hands on his shoulders and stops him.)
L Oh no, you can’t go yet. I have to tell you every detail of my evening with my most beloved Joyce. I’ll tell you everything she said and did and then we’ll rigorously examine all the nuances and possible interpretations. Another round bartender! (Puts arm around Bob’s shoulder) Because you are my friend, Bobby boy. (Bob puts head on bar and groans.)
End Scene I
(Bob, Leonard and two young women at bar. Women are having a friendly argument with Leonard.)
Woman 1 It’s because of ignorant twerps like you that women are having a hard time achieving equality with men.
L Don’t misunderstand me. Just because I said that I don’t want equality with women doesn’t mean that I think women are inferior. On the contrary. I’m ready at any moment to turn all power over to women and be their complete slave. All I ask is that I be allowed to humbly grovel at the feet of the love of my life, to be able to adore and cherish, to rejoice in my Joyce. Hey, a new line for my poem!
B Actually, to be technically correct, women really are the inferior gender as can be easily demonstrated.
Woman 2 Oh really!
B Certainly. Let’s just examine a few simple facts. How many women have won the Cy Young Award? Answer, zero. How many women have won the Best Dressed Man of the Year Award? Answer, zero. How many women can sing like Perry Como? Answer, zero. It’s an open and shut case. The list is endless. I could go on like this all night.
W1 I’m sure you could, but please spare us.
W2 (Slapping Bob on shoulder) What a jerk you are.
B No seriously. There is clear scientific evidence that proves that men are superior.
W1 In what way?
B Well, sexually for example. It is a well established fact that men are more efficient sexually.
W1 You’ve got to be joking!
W2 Where’s this man hiding?
B How long does it take you to have an orgasm?
W2 What?
B How long does it take you to have an orgasm?
W2 Why? Do you think I sit there with a stop watch?
Bob I’ll bet you that every manjack in this room can have an orgasm in 30 seconds or less. (Leans back with self satisfied air as if he has just delivered irrefutable proof.)
W1 Well that’s probably true but I wouldn’t go around bragging about it.
B Men are quicker and more efficient. You won’t find me squandering away hour after precious hour in the relentless pursuit of orgasm. No sir. We’ve elevated sexual activity to a higher level. Just 1, 2, 3 and back out in the streets again ready for action.
W2 Oh my god! (Both women stare at Bob with disbelief.)
B And I maintain that if women truly want to achieve equality with men, they have to take great strides to master the art of the 30 second orgasm.
W1 You are one man I never want to achieve equality with.
W2 Yes, I’ve heard enough. Let’s go eat. We’re going to Ramon’s Café for dinner. Would you foul creatures like to join us?
B You must be crazy! Ramon’s Café is a typical restaurant in this city: luxurious atmosphere, high prices, snobbish service, thousands of patrons who crawl all over each other to stand on line to get in, and small portions of mediocre to lousy food.
W2 But they say the food there is delicious.
B Only idiots say that.
W1 I give up with you. How about you, Leonard?
L No thank you. I want to sit here and dream about my love.
W2 Well goodbye boys.
B I could cook you a meal 10 times better than you could get at Ramon’s.
W1 Next time. Ciao. (The women exit.)
B Well it’s their digestive systems and their wallets.
(Enter Reggie with glassy eyes)
L Hello Reggie.
R (As if in a trance) I just fell in love.
B Oh no, not another one.
L (Embracing Reggie) Brother!
B Who’s the lucky organism?
R She’s so beautiful and so enchanting and she has that intangible quality that makes you want to reach out and touch her. But there’s just one little problem.
B She’s married?
R No.
B She hates you?
R No.
L She’s dead?
R No. No. No. The problem is she’s only 10 years old.
B So why is that a problem?
L Yes, where there is true love, there are no insurmountable obstacles. Just wait another 10 years and then you can marry her.
R 10 years! I can’t wait 10 years!
L Faithless heart!
R In 10 years she’ll have lost her innocent charm that make her so irresistible.
B Well, maybe it will be replaced by something equally desirable.
R I must drown my sorrows in alcoholic beverage. Refreshments for all bartender!
(Bartender brings beers)
L (Puts arm around Reggie’s shoulder) You tell me all about your love and I’ll tell you all about mine.
(They are heading off backstage to rear room of bar.)
R I’m sick of hearing about your love. I’ll tell you about mine twice.
L (Excitedly) Great idea! Maybe 3 or 4 times.
R Yeah! Maybe 6 or 7.
L (Emphatically) No! 7, forget it! I draw the line at 6.
(Reggie and Leonard exit. Bob looks up at TV and grimaces.)
B All the artists in this country that are struggling to survive and TV with its millions gives us trash.
(Enter Andrea and her sister Melanie. Bob doesn’t notice. The women sit at the bar.)
BT What can I get you?
A 2 scotch on the rocks please.
(Bob whirls around. He and Andrea look at each other.)
B Are you still angry with your husband?
A I don’t think that’s any of your business. Is your aunt Martha still angry at me? (She smiles nastily.)
B (Sheepishly) She forgave you after I explained your confused state of mind.
A How noble of you to go to all that trouble.
B It was nothing really.
A How modest.
B No, I assure you.
A It’s not necessary. (Turns to her sister and leaves an icy back to Bob.)
B May I still light your cigarette?
A No thank you. We are quite capable.
B I wasn’t doubting your competence. I merely wanted the pleasure of making a friendly gesture.
A The gesture was unsolicited.
M Andrea! Don’t be so mean!
A I’m not in the mood for any nonsense from men!
M (Leaning in towards Bob) My sister’s going through a divorce.
A Melanie! I don’t think everybody has to know my personal affairs.
B Excuse me. I didn’t mean to intrude.
A I bet you didn’t! Nothing but altruistic thoughts in your mind about helping people all over the world light their cigarettes.
B I’m sure I can be as shallow as the next guy at times, but I don’t think I’m as bad as all that.
A I’m not interested in how bad you are.
B Well if you will excuse me, I will go join my love stricken comrades in the back. (Exits to rear)
M Andrea, you were really mean. He seemed nice.
A I don’t care if he was nice or not. I didn’t ask him to come talk to me.
M No, but you could have been a little bit nicer.
A Well, I’m sick of men and their bullshit right now.
M I know you are, honey. You’ve had a rough time recently. But it won’t always be so bad.
A I know. It will be a lot better now that I’m by myself.
(Enter Reggie. He walks right up to women and leans in.)
R She’s only 10 years old but I will love her forever.
(Reggie exits. Women look at each other with astonishment.)
A He’s got to be a friend of that other idiot.
(Enter Leonard from rear. He also walks up to women at bar and leans in.)
L Through thick and thin, my love for her will be true forever.
M How sweet.
L Sweet, nothing! It is no more than my duty to be faithful forever to my love.
(Leonard exits to front door.)
M They’re cute.
A They’re assholes.
B (Enter Bob. He and Andrea stare at each other.)
A And they’re also perverts. Come on Melanie, I’m going. (Exits)
M (To astounded Bob) Andrea’s going through a divorce. (She exits)
B (Sits down and gazes out at audience) Andrea….I hope I don’t have to wait 10 years for you to regain your sense of humor.
(Lights out)
End of Scene 2
Scene 3
(Bob and Reggie at bar. Enter Andrea laughing gaily on arm of conventionally dressed man (Tom). They are obviously enjoying themselves. Andrea sits at bar with her back to Bob.)
A (Fawning over Tom.) I hope you like it here. I thought the atmosphere was rather nice.
Tom Yes,…. It’s a nice place. Oh, good! A TV! It’s almost time for my favorite show.
B (Aside to Reggie.) I can’t believe it.
BT Good evening folks. What would you like?
T A red rooster for me. Scotch on the rocks for you, Andrea?
A No, I’d rather have a beer.
B Ammonia and grapefruit juice for me, bartender.
(Andrea and Tom glance at Bob and then resume their conversation.)
T It’s nice to have you back. (Puts hand on her arm and squeezes affectionately.)
A Yes, I’m glad too.
T It’s been quite a while hasn’t it.
A I think I’ll stay longer this time.
T (Pointing to TV) Oh, have you seen this? It won the award this year for best rock video.
B (To Reggie) How could she have married such a moron?
R Women lose their perspective when they hit puberty.
T After we have a drink or two, we can go eat at this great little place called Ramon’s Café. The food’s terrific and it’s quite reasonable.
(Bob chokes on beer and slams his beer mug down on the bar and exits. Tom and Andrea are startled.)
T Charming character.
A Too charming!
R What he needs is a nice girlfriend. He should go back to fifth grade again like I am. (Reggie exits. Andrea and Tom look at each other, puzzled.)
A Tom, you have some very strange people living here in your neighborhood.
(Enter Melanie. She kisses Tom.)
M Hello Darling. Hi Andrea.
T Hello Sweetheart.
M Andrea, you’ll be glad to know that Roger called to say that he’d sign the papers tomorrow.
A Finally! This calls for a celebration! How about another drink?
M Let’s go eat. I’m starved.
T Yes, we can go to Ramon’s Café.
M Oh Tom, not there. The food’s not very good and it’s overpriced.
T Well, whatever you like sweetheart.
(Tom occupies himself with the bartender paying the bill.)
M (To Andrea) I’m afraid Tom’s easily satisfied when it comes to restaurants. (They giggle together at Tom.)
A He’s been so sweet about letting me stay with you.
T (Finishes paying) OK, let’s go.
(They exit. Enter Reggie and Leonard from the rear.)
L OK. OK. You can tell me again, but stop sulking.
R (Animated) I tell you Leonard, She’s a bewitching little creature. She doesn’t walk, she skips everywhere she goes. If I had my way, all women would skip.
L That would take all the charm out of a romantic stroll in the park.
R Yesterday afternoon I took her to the zoo. I bought her an ice cream cone, french fries, coca-cola, doughnuts, and a candy bar.
L You’re going to turn her into an eleven year old bowling ball.
R You should see her little face light up with unrestrained, innocent laughter. Not a trace of sophistication which muffles the spontaneity of more mature women.
L (Indignant) Ha! You should see Joyce laughing. Then you’d have more respect for maturity.
R Did I tell you about the time she had the hiccups?
L Only four times. You’ve got two more times to go. Come on, maybe we can knock them both off on the way home. (Exit.)
End Scene 3
Scene 4
(Andrea is seated at the bar. Bob enters from the rear.)
B I’m glad you were able to fix everything with your husband.
A (Confused) How did you know?
B I could tell the other night.
A (Even more puzzled) Oh yes. Everything finally worked out fine.
B Well, congratulations.
A That doesn’t mean I’m going to be available.
B Oh no, I’m sure it doesn’t! (Pause) May I offer you a drink to toast many more years of happiness between you and your husband?
A (Icily) You must be joking!
B That sounds like a definite negative. Well in that case, I’ll be off. I have some serious moping around the house to do.
(Bob exits. Andrea watches him leave with a puzzled expression on her face. Pause. Enter Melanie.)
A Hi Melanie.
M Hi Andrea. (To Bartender) Do you have Foamy Water on tap?
BT No, sorry. All we have is imported beer on tap.
M Well, that will be fine then.
A You know Melanie, I’m glad I’m not looking for a man at the moment. The men here in your neighborhood are bizarre.
M Oh, I’m sure you’ll meet somebody nice eventually. You’ve got so much going for you.
A Well I’m not going to waste my time with any idiots or vultures.
(Enter Leonard)
L Good evening, ladies. Any of my esteemed colleagues disgracing themselves with their usual panache here tonight?
A One was. He acted strangely and then left.
L Ah, that would be Reggie then, no doubt. Well, I won’t disturb you. I need to plot the next phase of my campaign of romantic conquest. Bartender, where’s my Napoleon’s hat? (Bartender brings beer.)
BT How was dinner with Joyce tonight, Leonard?
L I kept her laughing. (Leonard exits to rear)
BT (To women) He’s in love.
M How sweet.
A Melanie, finish your beer and let’s go eat. I’m starved. But not at Ramon’s Café. You’re right. It’s terrible. I ate there yesterday with my husband’s lawyer.
M There’s another place nearby that’s nice. Have you ever had Eskimo food? Raw seal blubber is the specialty of the house.
A Please tell me you’re kidding.
M Yes dear. Don’t worry. Shall we? (They get up and start to go out to street.)
A Oh, just a moment. (Andrea goes back to bar.) Bartender, would you please tell Reggie that he can buy me a drink the next time I see him?
BT Sure thing. Your name is Andrea, right?
A Yes. Good night.
(Both women exit. Pause. Reggie enters from street.)
R Hi George.
BT Hi Reggie. Someone just left a message for you. Do you know Andrea? That real knockout that’s been in here several times lately?
R Yes, she’s not bad for an older woman.
BT Well she just left a message for you that you can buy her a drink the next time she sees you.
R (Musing) Indeed. (Bartender goes off. Reggie stares pensively and then shakes his head.) That makes as much sense as most of my relationships with women. (Shrugs and then exits to rear.)
End Scene 4
Scene 5
(Reggie sits at bar, despondent. Enter Leonard from street. He is also depressed.)
R Hi Leonard. I’ve been looking for you.
L Hi Reggie. I was looking for you.
R My 10 year old dumped me.
L Oh no! (Puts arm around Reggie.) This is going to be a long night. (Calls out to Bartender) Two bourbons straight up, George. (To Reggie again) You poor guy. Did she push you over for a big, brawny, hairy chested 12 year old?
R Not yet. I’m dreading that moment.
L Did she find out you can’t skip rope?
R Who says I can’t skip rope? For Christ’s sake, be serious will you. I’m going through an emotional trauma.
L Well, what happened then? She’s not gay, is she?
R No. she’s going away to summer camp.
L Oh well, she’ll be back in the fall.
R That’s two months! She’ll forget all about me.
L Don’t be so pessimistic.
R You know how those summer camps are. They’re practically juvenile dating services. Everybody meets boyfriends and girlfriends.
L I never did!
R Well, you’re a very weird person, Leonard! Anyway, there’s no hope. She leaves tomorrow. I’ll have to resort to going out with women again.
(Pause)
L Well, my luck hasn’t been much better.
R (Starts) Is Joyce going away to summer camp?
L No, you imbecile. She’s staying right here in town where I can see her every day.
R Then what could be wrong? (Pause) Can’t you make her laugh anymore? (Leonard slams down glass and grimaces.)
L More bourbon, George.
R Ah, she’s bored with you. You can’t make her laugh anymore.
L No, you idiot. That’s the problem. She never stopped laughing.
R She never stopped? Why? What did you do?
L (Pause) I tried to kiss her.
R You what?
L I tried to kiss her, you god damned moron!
R You tried to kiss her and she…. (bursts into laughter. Leonard sinks into pool of misery.) Your beloved Joyce couldn’t stop laughing? (Eagerly) How did you try to kiss her?
L I waited all through dinner, and then I wanted to kiss her on the way home to her house, but she didn’t look like she was expecting it and I didn’t want to scare her. Then we were sitting in her living room having a drink. We were sitting on the sofa together, but I didn’t want to look like a jerk and be obvious by using some pretext to slide closer next to her. Finally I couldn’t stand it anymore. I got up to go and went to kiss her good night. Then I held her and started kissing her. And she started kissing back! I was euphoric! I was so happy! Then all of a sudden, I felt a convulsion go through her whole body. I thought she was having an orgasm from my kiss. Then she was giggling and then she was laughing hysterically in my arms. She said “Oh Leonard, I’m so sorry.” She was really sweet. I was stunned. How could life treat me so terribly? I practically ran out of there.
R You poor guy. And the worst is yet to come. Just think how Bob will howl when he hears about it.
L I know. I can’t bear it. I’m going home. Don’t tell him yet. (Exits)
(Pause. Enter Andrea who sits at bar. Bartender comes over to serve her. Reggie also moves over next to her.)
R This one’s on me, George.
BT Sure thing. (To Andrea) What will you have?
A (Confused) Uh, a beer please. (Bartender serves beer. Reggie looks at Andrea with curiosity. Andrea eyes Reggie suspiciously. Pause.) If I understand correctly, you’re not usually in the habit of buying drinks for adults.
R (Defensively) I’m certainly not in the habit of buying drinks for minors.
(Awkward pause. Neither knows what the other one wants.)
A So…do you still love her?
R Yes, but you don’t have to be jealous.
A That’s very reassuring.
(Tense pause. Enter Bob. He sees Andrea and frowns, then sits at other end of bar. Andrea looks at him expectantly and disappointed.)
B (Addressing Reggie and Bartender, ignoring Andrea) Good evening.
R Good evening.
B (To Bartender) Cognac. (Bartender serves. Pause)
R (To Andrea) So…do you like this place?
A Yes, it’s very nice. (Pause) I’m meeting my sister here.
R Ah…. (Pause) Have you just moved to this neighborhood?
A Well not really. (Pause. Andrea glances at Bob who is staring into his drink.)
R (Confused. He doesn’t know why he is talking to her.) So…your name is Andrea?
A Yes. (Pause. Bob drains his glass.)
B Goodnight all. (Exits. Uncomfortable pause. Enter Melanie.)
M Hi Andrea.
A Hi Melanie.
M Do you mind if we eat something? I still haven’t had dinner yet.
A (Looking relieved) No, fine with me. (To Reggie) Thank you so much for the beer. (They exit.)
R (Shakes his head.) Even for a woman, she’s strange. Good night George. (Exits)
End Scene 5
Scene 6
(Bob, Leonard, and Reggie are at bar, all depressed. Very long pause, twenty to thirty seconds.)
R (Breaking the silence) Anyone in the mood for some light conversation?
B Why bother?
(Long pause)
R Well, we can’t do this all night.
B (Growling) Who says we can’t.
(Long pause)
B To hell with it! (Gets up and leaves.)
L Come on, Reggie. I’ll walk you home.
End Scene 6
Scene 7
(Reggie and Leonard are at bar playing backgammon.)
R Ha! Beat you again! Now I’m leading 47 to 33. You know, this is fun. I’m beginning to enjoy the virtues of celibacy.
L Yes, maybe we can stay home from work and play a few hundred more games.
R Joyce probably doesn’t even like to play backgammon.
L I’m beginning to hate you more than I ever did in my entire life.
R When did you ever hate me before?
L Remember when I was in love with Monica?
R (Animated) Yes. We used to hang out at the Zen Computer Pub every night.
L And when I was in love with Denise?
R (Still animated) Yes, that was the Golden Cross.
L And Roberta?
R That was Stanley’s Bar.
L Stanley’s Bar? I’ve never even heard of the place.
R I used to go there when I wasn’t in the mood to hear you moan about Roberta. How about another game of backgammon? (Very animated)
L No. I’m going home. There’s a spot on my kitchen floor that I was looking forward to staring at.
R OK, let’s go. (Exit)
(Pause. Enter Andrea.)
A Hello George. Have you seen my sister tonight?
BT No. Not yet.
A Oh well, I’ll have a beer please. (Bartender brings beer. Pause. Enter Bob. Bob sits at bar. Pause.bob and Andrea both feel awkward. Bartender brings beer to Bob. Suddenly both Bob and Andrea turn to speak to each other at the same time.)
A Oh, …what were you going to say?
B Uh, ….yeah….(thinking fast) Could you pass me the ashtray please.
A Sure. (Andrea passes ashtray to Bob and notices Bob doesn’t have any cigarettes.) I’ve never seen you smoke.
B (Embarrassed) I don’t. I just wanted to admire the fine craftsmanship. (Bob looks down at the cheap bright green metal ashtray and picks it up by one edge and starts banging it on the bar rhythmically as if it were a snare drum. Pause. Both are embarrassed.) It looks like Ming Dynasty.
A (Laughs) Silly me! I was thinking it was pre Colombian Aztec.
B (Laughs. Slight pause.) You’re laughing tonight.
A Yes, I’ve been pretty caustic lately.
B It’s a nice change.
A I’m going through a nasty divorce.
B (Stunned) I thought you and your husband looked very happy together the other night.
A What? Oh, you must mean Tom. He’s my sister’s husband.
B Oh. (The truth slowly dawns on him and a smile grows on his face.) I thought he was your husband.
A God no! He’s not my type.
B What is your type?
A I’m not sure any more. I don’t even know if I want to find out. Not you in any case.
B Thank you. That’s very flattering.
A No. That’s not what I meant. I mean right now you’re not my type.
B You mean later on I’ll be your type?
A No, that’s not what I’m saying either. (Laughing, slightly embarrassed.)
B But there’s a possibility?
A Well… (She suddenly realizes that Bob is trapping her into saying things she does not want to say.) I don’t even want to talk about it.
B When would you like to discuss it again?
A I don’t know. Maybe never. (Slight pause) So… do you think I’m your type or is anything your type?
B Well, what I have seen so far I can accommodate.
A Oh, you can accommodate me?! (Sarcastic) How nice.
B I thought you didn’t want me to flatter you.
A I don’t. So don’t do it again or don’t accommodate me again.
B Shall I limit myself to benign acceptance?
A If you could do me the honor.
(Phone rings. Bartender answers.)
BT No, he’s not here……hold on for a moment. Bob, do you know where Leonard is? (Andrea’s face suddenly twists in an agonized grimace of shock.)
B No.
BT (To phone) No…..sorry….ok, bye.
(Pause. Andrea is nervous)
A Did he call you Bob?
B Yes. That’s my name.
A Oh. (Pause) Then who’s Reggie?
B Reggie’s the one who’s in love with the 10 year old.
A (Embarrassed) Oh my god!
B Why?
A Nothing. Just curious. (Pause) One time I left a message for him that he could buy me a drink.
B Really? But you didn’t even know who he was.
A I know. I thought he was somebody else.
B Oh. Who did you think he was?
A (Very embarrassed) Somebody else.
B (Slowly dawning on him) Ah…Let me take a guess.
A I felt a little guilty about being mean to you.
B Does that mean you’ll let me buy you a drink now?
A Yes. But it doesn’t mean I’m going to sleep with you.
B in that case, forget it! George, one beer please.
A (Laughing, slightly outraged) And one for me too and I’ll pay for both of them.
B That doesn’t mean I’m going to sleep with you.
A I’ll take my chances. (Pause) By the way, would you do me a favor and apologize to Reggie for me.
B That was your mistake. You should apologize to him.
A Please?
B OK, it would be a pleasure to do you a favor.
A Thank you. He must think I’m awful. (Pause)
B By the way, I haven’t eaten dinner yet. Are you hungry?
A Well, I was supposed to meet my sister for dinner. I guess I could call her.
B Sure. Then we could go to Ramon’s Café and throw up together. It would be romantic.
A In that case I’d rather not. I don’t want to have anything to do with romance.
B We’ll settle for someplace else then.
A Fine. I’ll go call my sister. (Exits)
B George, if I look like I’m smirking it’s because I’m smirking. By the way, who was calling for Leonard earlier?
BT I don’t know. It was a woman.
B Probably his aunt then. (Andrea returns) All set? Good night George.
A Good night.
BT Good night. (Bob and Andrea exit. Lights out)
End Scene 7
Scene 8
(Reggie is at the bar. Enter Leonard.)
L (Glowing) Reggie, guess who called me last night.
R Bob?
L No.
R George?
L No, you idiot! Joyce!
R Ah, was she still laughing?
L No. She said she thought I was angry at her. She only laughed when I kissed her because she remembered something funny I had said.
R That sounds like good news. Except now I’m going to get left here by myself.
L I’m going to meet Joyce right now at the Crow and Rat. Her little sister’s coming with her. She’s really cute. She’s not exactly Marilyn Monroe, but then again neither are you.
R Yeah, I’m more of a Rachel Welch.
L Well come on Rocky. Let’s go get ‘em like men.
R Huh?
L Never mind. Let’s just go get ‘em.
(Lights out)
FINIS